The Chelsea Chronicles

I once read that when you don’t know how to start a task, just start in the middle. That was a revolutionary idea for me. How do you even start a task in the middle? You should do things in order, right? I’m not a perfectionist, but I do prefer it when things are perfect. I value efficiency. I like clear, unambiguous start and end frames. To start in the middle, that’s crazy! What if it’s not effecient? What if it everything takes longer to complete? What if I waste time? What if I have to go back and redo a bunch of stuff?

I remembered from my creative writing course that you should always start a story in the middle of the action, then provide backstory afterward. It feels very messy, but the mess is the interesting bit that gets a reader hooked. It’s uncomfortable. People want to know how it’s going to all get cleaned up.

That’s probably how this blog will be. It’s a journey, but it’s going to be all over the place. Eventually you’ll learn how it all connects together. I’m still trying to piece together the puzzle myself.

I realized something about starting a task in the middle. I get stuck in loops all the time. (I can’t shower until I wash the dishes because washing the dishes makes me feel too hot and sweaty. But I can’t wash the dishes until I eat because I can’t focus when I’m hungry. I can’t cook because there’s no room and no clean dishes. I could eat something that doesn’t require cooking, but then I won’t meet my breakfast protein goals. I actually can’t even start my day until I’m dressed, but I can’t get dressed until I take a shower. So essentially my whole day is ruined and I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet.)

I want the moment to be perfect. I want everything to go according to plan. When one part is delayed or gets screwed up, I freeze. It’s like in the movie A Bug’s Life when the leaf blocks the scent path and the ants freak out. Mr Soil declares the disruption was nothing compared to the stick of ’93. That’s me. All the time. I feel perpetually blocked and panicked.

I’ve recently learned I have a lot of neurotypical ways of thinking.

You can break loops by starting literally anywhere. I could just shower first. I could wash just what I need and cook around the mess. This way of thinking doesn’t come easily to me. It feels wrong to not do things in order. It feels messy, but that’s where the action lives.

So here we are. My life’s a mess. I have chronic physical and mental pain. In the words of Pheobe Buffet from Friends, I don’t have a plan. I don’t even have a pleh.

I randomly (or not randomly, I don’t know) felt called to learn Tarot. It’s been helping a lot. It gives me hope and a fresh perspective on suffering. I’m excited to share more later.

I’m going to end this first post with some ominous positivity. Everything will turn out fine. I cannot stop it.

The tarot card for the year 2026 is the Wheel of Fortune. What goes up must come down, but then it’s just going to go back up again. Everything is cyclical. If I’m feeling down now, it’s only up from here. I hold on to that idea tightly.