Energy Healing Breakthrough

After the energy healing workshop, I took some time to go deeper with my healing. I had no idea the rabbit hole I was about to go down. It was insane.

When it comes to my health, one of my fears is what if I never get better? What if I can never get back the quality of life I used to have? Living with all these sensitivities and intolerances means I am triggered by so many different things. The symptoms range from uncomfortable to painful. I don’t want to have pain, so naturally I get quite anxious about having to go anywhere with anyone.

One way to uncover blocks is to ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen. Just keep drilling down deeper and deeper until you find the root of the fear. I went for it. What I found shocked me. Here’s how it went.

What if I never get better?
(What’s the worst that could happen?)

What if never getting better means one day I can never leave my house?
(What’s the worst that could happen?)

If I can never leave my house, that would mean I would lose my job, and I love my job. (What’s the worst that could happen?)

If I lose my job, I would have to find another one. What if I never find another one because nobody wants to hire me? Who would hire a sick person?
(What’s the worst that could happen?)

What if nobody (at all) wants me?

For each question I asked myself, I felt an intense and overwhelming pain in my body. It started in my bladder, but eventually moved up into my chest, then my throat, and finally my forehead. With each new question, the pain would intensify and I felt constriction, especially in the sinuses and chest. Almost like it was harder to breathe, like I was being crushed by this pain. I just kept following the pain and breathing into it, giving it light and love, until I felt expansion again and the pain lessened.

It appears the thing I fear the most is rejection and abandonment. I wasn’t expecting that. You guys, I’m beloved, like seriously! That fear was hidden so deep in my body. I had to peel back 5 layers to get there! And let me tell you, when I asked myself, what if nobody at all wants me, it was the most painful feeling I’ve ever felt. I was silently scream-crying because the thought was too much to bear. I couldn’t. Even now as I type this, I get a heavy feeling in my chest that hurts, and my eyes are watering. Obviously I still have some healing to do.

I wasn’t ready to stop there though. After I had healed some of that energy, I was curious about where the feelings of rejection and abandonment came from because that’s not necessarily a theme I recognize in my current life. I used a technique called Location in Time. It’s where you ask yourself, what’s the earliest point in your life that you can remember feeling this way?

I was instantly taken back to the house I grew up in. I was in the living room, and I could see everything perfectly. All the old furniture, decor and everything. I was small, maybe 2 or 3. I was just trying to talk to my dad, but he was watching TV. He yelled at me and told me to go play in my room. I felt hurt and confused. Why didn’t he want me there? What did I do?

That was some of the most intense emotional pain I’ve ever felt. I scream-cried silently again and my body curled up into the fetal position. I started sending love to that little girl deep inside of me. My breathing felt so labored and constricted. My chest was so tight and my head was pounding. I kept breathing into it as long as I could, (because when you’re going through hell, don’t stop) but eventually I had to look away. I had to take a break. It was so intense.

I just laid on my bed, exhausted, but calm. I felt empty. Lighter. I could breathe so easily. I still felt sadness, but I just let myself be sad. It felt okay to be sad and grieve the child inside me that wanted to be loved.

One of the benefits of using the Location in Time technique is so that you can see the story from another angle and “rewrite” the memory from a fresh perspective. I asked myself, why would my dad tell me, a sweet, innocent, little girl who loved him and wanted to spend time with to go away?

My dad was fairly absent throughout my childhood. He lived in the home, but I didn’t spend real time with him. He was very busy with his work and hobbies. I’ve been let down by him so many times throughout my life, but I thought I was over all that.

I realized right away that this moment in this memory wasn’t about me. I sincerely suspect my dad is on the autism spectrum. He loved me then, and he loves me now, but he was probably really overstimulated in that moment and just needed some time to decompress after work. I know more than anyone how triggering it is to be around young children. My own children used to trigger me on a daily basis when I was a stay at home mom. I hadn’t done anything wrong that day in the living room. He was dealing with his own shit, and somehow some of it got on me that day and I was not able to wash it off until now.

It felt so good to release what I could of that. I know there’s more energy healing to do, and I will get to it in due time. That was a pretty serious breakthrough!

Time to rest and digest.