The rug can only hide so much, and now the dirt is everywhere.

I started a passive-aggressive fight through email with a colleague yesterday on my lunch break. She’s not well-liked in the office, and tensions have been compounding over the years. The boss does nothing to mediate or help resolve conflict. I’ve been dealing with so much personal junk, I think this stupid email this particular colleague sent me ripped open an old work wound that never full healed to begin with, and I just snapped.

Subconsciously, I think I wanted to start a fight. I’m a very open and direct person, but I’ve been walking on eggshells around this colleague for a long time. It’s not like me to be passive-aggressive. I like to hash things out right away when problems arise. My colleague is extremely sensitive though, has an avoidant personality, and doesn’t handle confrontation very well. I just end up looking like this really abrasive person half the time because she shuts down whenever anyone is direct with her or tries to offer constructive criticism. It’s like talking to a wall. It’s very frustrating, and naturally leads to increased tension and animosity that gets swept under the rug. The rug can only hide so much, and now the dirt is everywhere. I know we need to clean this up once and for all.

I try my absolute best to be assertive and not aggressive. I don’t think I get enough credit for how much I am able to hold back in conversation. Plus, I am a woman, and assertive women are typically thought of as “aggressive” even when they aren’t, so that’s a confusing element mixed into this. Most of the time I think I’m being assertive or neutral, but I’m accused of being hostile. What I actually think is happening is the other party is confusing my calmness with having an attitude because my demeanor highlights their dysregulated behavior.

Yesterday, I was the dysregulated one. The email I sent wasn’t mean, but I admit it was kind of rude and abrupt. It haunted me the rest of the day. I was so angry at my colleague. Then last night I had a dream. In this dream, I was on a team with an ex-friend and her boyfriend. We were in a treasure hunt competition where we had to work together to solve puzzles so we could get clues. In the dream we were relaxed and cordial, but it was still a little awkward. It was so nice to hear my friend laugh. I’ve missed her a lot.

In real life we had a falling out about a year ago. I participated in a prank on her that backfired. She was very angry. Despite giving her space for several weeks, and apologizing profusely, she couldn’t forgive me, not even a little bit. I ended up cutting ties with her because it seemed the relationship would never recover. I had done all that I could do, and at that point I just had to move on for my own mental health because it didn’t seem like there was ever going to be a resolution between us.

I think the dream was showing me a pattern. I often dream about this friend when I’m especially upset with my colleague. My ex-friend has an avoidant personality. She also shuts down instead of communicating what’s wrong. She struggled with people-pleasing and boundary-setting. It’s all similar behavior I experience with my colleague, but didn’t make the connection until now.

How do you find closure when there is no resolution? I struggled with this with my friend, and I struggle with this with my colleague. With my friend, I was able to make the choice to walk away, but at work, I can’t just quit! I can’t force her to resign either. I failed to get my boss involved the multiple times that I’ve tried. It feels like I’m stuck in limbo. I hate that. I hate ambiguity and uncertainty! I like when things are clear cut and obvious.

I think the way to find closure when there’s not resolution is by doing everything that you can on your end that aligns with your true character, and then letting it go.

With my friend, I had literally done all that I could do. I apologized and took accountability, but unfortunately that wasn’t enough to be given any grace for what happened. That was me aligning my actions with my true character. I’m still grieving the loss of that decades-long friendship. We obviously weren’t as close as I thought we were. I just wish she hadn’t shut me out. Walking away from the friendship was me letting go.

I decided to send an apology email to my colleague and take accountability for the way I behaved yesterday. That was me aligning with my true character. I opened up about how I was feeling at the office, and invited her to hash things out with me so we could finally address our issues and move on. If she’s anything like my ex-friend, she’s likely been holding a lot in.

I couldn’t save my old friendship, but I can learn from what happened. I noticed this pattern, and I’m trying to do something about it because harmony is important to me. I think the goal of healing my body also includes healing the mind and spirit, plus the energy around relationships, work, and the different environments we find ourselves in. All we can do is try our best.