Failing to give myself grace

My cat got sick on Monday. He died on Tuesday. Wednesday I grieved. Now today is Thursday. I woke up mad at myself because I backslid on all the new habits I had been working so hard to establish since December, mainly quitting my screen addition. I was really beating myself up and feeling guilty for essentially being an imperfect human.

I was talking about it with a friend when it dawned on me. My cat died 2 days ago. Two days ago! It was a sudden and painful loss. Surely it will take more than 24 hours to grieve the death of a beloved furry family member.

It sounds insane when I spell out the timeline of events, but that’s what was happening. I reverted back to old, easy habits. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t have it in me to be “perfect.” If something is going to be too hard to do, the brain will not let you do it. I’m just glad I was able to put it all together quickly.

I did a tarot reading after my revelation. I asked how I could release the built up energy surrounding my cat’s death, and how I could get back on track with my goals and resolutions. I pulled The Star and the 8 of Wands.

The Star often shows up after intense or chaotic change. Beautiful cat suddenly dies. Okay, yup, that checks out. It signifies healing, hope, and trust in the universe.

Look how the woman is pouring water into the pond and on the land. She has one foot in the water, and one on land. This represents the connection between the conscious and the subconscious, as well as cleansing the subconscious. It also represents her spiritual abilities and inner strength versus her practical abilities and strengths. Her naked body is an authentic and pure soul, stripped away of all illusions. The big star represents a spiritual strength that can guide you, while the smaller stars represent the 7 chakras.

How does this help me get over the death of my pet? It’s almost like I have one foot in my old habits and the other in my new habits, stuck between two ways of life. Screens were my go-to coping mechanism for stabilizing my nervous system for many years. I think this card is trying to tell me to be real with myself, and let the divine universe guide me through this time of emotional healing. You can’t rush grief. I want to just be over what happened, cleanse myself of it, really pour it out of me, and move on from the sadness and the hurt of my loss, but I need to be patient with myself. I can release this energy through calming, purposeful activities that stabilize my nervous system.

The 8 of Wands is a movement card. Wands represent the element of fire, which are your true passions, creativity, and ambition. The number 8 represents ambition, discipline, leadership, and resiliency.

Look at all those wands flying through the air! The 8 of Wands signifies the sudden manifestation of ideas. It shows momentum is in your favour and it’s time to act now.

So how can I get back on track on with my goals and resolutions? Just start again, and start now. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I think any movement in the right direction is positive, even if I slightly miss the mark.

And because I’m trying to simultaneously keep my nervous system happy, I think this movement needs to be in the style of The Star – peaceful, calming, and authentic to where I am right now. I’m sad, and that means I’m going to be slower. I’m not moving through life with gusto and a pep in my step right now. However, I am alive, and I do need to keep moving forward.

Old habits die hard. It’s easy to slip up, but what’s most important is how quickly you can recover. You can’t give up, but you can make things easier for yourself to succeed. I think this is where scaling for capacity comes into play. I just have to lower the bar a little bit to accommodate what I’m going through. Maybe I can watch 2 hours of TV instead of 4 tonight for example, and then do some guided meditation instead of doom-scrolling. I don’t need to quit everything cold turkey. I don’t need to be perfect. And I don’t need to feel bad for using an old crutch during a hard time. Afterall, there are worse additions.